TT has accepted a job in a neighboring state, and consequently moved to said state this past weekend. We hadn't seen each other for a few weeks already, and no kissing ever took place, so this was more of a friendship than a relationship, or a faux-lationship, as I like to call it. We spoke on the phone on Friday while I was driving somewhere, and he was successfully avoiding packing for a bit. I typically speak my mind, and that conversation was no different. I told him that since he was moving out of state, it was probably best for us to remain friends, but not try to create/sustain anything more. I said that if he ever moves back to my state, and the timing is better, we could try something more in the future, but for now, it's on hold indefinitely. He agreed that this was likely for the best, but was quick to suggest a FWB (friends with benefits) arrangement. I beg your pardon? Just what sort of benefits does he have in mind? When we're dating, physical contact is limited to a goodnight hug, but suddenly when we're "just friends" the making out can commence? That just... odd. Is it possible that me essentially saying "Thanks, but no thanks" has increased his interest in me? Could be. I'm thinking that now the weight of possible involvement has been lifted, and he suddenly feels at liberty to do what he has wanted to do all along. Clearly, he has been nursing some hangups that are all in his head. I personally don't see the difference between two good friends that occasionally kiss and two people that are in a dating relationship. In fact, the former pair is likely more emotionally intimate than the latter, but are just doing some compartmentalizing of their faux-lationship. It's all semantics.
Considering all of the facts in conjunction with his stone-cold fox status, I readily agreed to TT's outlandish out-of-character suggestion. If we ever actually consummate our FWB status, you can just go ahead and color me shocked. I'm getting the impression that he is nothing but a big tease, as I have yet to see one single "benefit" from this friend.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Four Day Rule or The Like-Like Cycle
Days with no contact or un-returned contact via text message, phone call, voice-mail and/or email from a man that I like like.
Day one: Let down. I feel bummed that my current squeeze didn't acknowledge me during any given 24 hour period. I feel especially let down if I contacted the dude with no response.
Day two: Annoyed. By this time, I have likely contacted the man du jour, and he has yet to return my contact. My typical sentiment during hours 25-48 is either "What's the deal, dude?" or "I guess he's probably busy. Hmph."
Day three: Unacceptable. If you are a man that wants to have any sort of relationship with me, going 48-72 hours without contacting me does not bode well. I begin to wonder if he is playing some sort of weird mind game, and start thinking "Thanks for nothing, sucker."
Day four: Over it. Yep, over it. Meaning, on day four (72+ hours without contact), I stop trying. I begin to accept the fact that maybe this man is just not that into me. Day four is a good place to be. Day four is freedom from the mental agonizing. Day four is the enviable "que sera sera" day. Day four is where the confident "his loss" mentality is born. Day four is a day of liberation from the emotional prison where I have been shackled by handcuffs of boy-craziness for the last three days.
And just when I start to feel really good and mentally sound, he'll contact me. Of course he will. And the cycle starts all over again.
Day one: Let down. I feel bummed that my current squeeze didn't acknowledge me during any given 24 hour period. I feel especially let down if I contacted the dude with no response.
Day two: Annoyed. By this time, I have likely contacted the man du jour, and he has yet to return my contact. My typical sentiment during hours 25-48 is either "What's the deal, dude?" or "I guess he's probably busy. Hmph."
Day three: Unacceptable. If you are a man that wants to have any sort of relationship with me, going 48-72 hours without contacting me does not bode well. I begin to wonder if he is playing some sort of weird mind game, and start thinking "Thanks for nothing, sucker."
Day four: Over it. Yep, over it. Meaning, on day four (72+ hours without contact), I stop trying. I begin to accept the fact that maybe this man is just not that into me. Day four is a good place to be. Day four is freedom from the mental agonizing. Day four is the enviable "que sera sera" day. Day four is where the confident "his loss" mentality is born. Day four is a day of liberation from the emotional prison where I have been shackled by handcuffs of boy-craziness for the last three days.
And just when I start to feel really good and mentally sound, he'll contact me. Of course he will. And the cycle starts all over again.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Hmph.
And I thought it was complicated before I was officially single. Boy, those were simpler times.
A quick update - I have seen TT exactly three times since I've been "legal." Two of the three times I invited him to do something, and the other was a group dinner at L's house. The last time was a dinner at my house almost two full weeks ago, after which I wanted to point him in the direction of this video. I mean, you are a man, right? What's with the full-stop embargo on any physical contact? I'm practically begging for you to make a move.
I've also been thinking a lot about how I go a little bit crazy when he doesn't pay me the attention that I wish he would. For example, TT has been out of town for work all week. He told me that he would be done on Thursday. That was yesterday, dude. How is it that I have yet to receive a text message, email, or phone call, LET ALONE an invitation to get together this weekend? I know I have no sort of claim on this man, but I still feel slighted. Perhaps I should forgo the kissing video and send him this instead:
Monday, September 29, 2008
It's Official
If I were counting (not that I was), today the countdown would be over. That's right kids, from this time forward Ms. Complication hits the town as an eligible single woman! I have a good prospect in TT, but am keeping my eyes and heart open to others for the time being. I'm not really interested in a RURR (Really Unhealthy Rebound Relationship). I don't feel the need to waste time playing the field. I know what I want, and now I am free to go out there and get it!
And speaking of RURRs, I have heard rumblings that the next Mrs. MT is already on deck. Yes, you read that right. From what I hear MT has an "understanding" with a 20 year old girl. What's worse is that this understanding took place weeks before everything was final. Just another example of how MT is like school in the summer - no class.
And speaking of RURRs, I have heard rumblings that the next Mrs. MT is already on deck. Yes, you read that right. From what I hear MT has an "understanding" with a 20 year old girl. What's worse is that this understanding took place weeks before everything was final. Just another example of how MT is like school in the summer - no class.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Mixed Bag
As my D-day approaches in four short days (not that I'm counting), I have mixed feelings. I can't believe that in less than a week my relationship status will no longer be "complicated."
Mixed Numbers:
70% awesome
15% wanting to kiss TT on the mouth
9% PMS
5% wanting to scream "HOW DARE YOU?!?!" in MT's face
1% scared
100% surreal
Mixed Doubles:
Earlier this week was the anniversary of my marriage to MT. I "celebrated" by eating a delicious meal prepared by TT at L's house. A man cooking? That's just hot. The food was great, the company was better. I'm still pretty impressed.
Mixed Nuts:
I was answering the phone at work when an especially confident man tried to make the switch from phone-caller to gentleman caller. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner at a local romantic location with him. I responded with a quick "Sure, let's go!" when I saw that he was calling from another state, and clearly had no intention of actually making plans with me, the woman he had spoken to on the phone for 30 seconds and has never met in person. Going along with the joke he asked if my husband or boyfriend would mind him taking me out. I said "Nah, he won't mind." The man then asked "Which is it, husband or boyfriend?" I had to take a beat before answering "Ummm... both?"
Mixed Messages:
I have been irrationally slightly annoyed by the lack of what I can only call "quality communication" with TT over the past week. Only a few text messages and emails have been exchanged. This is of course irrational as we are not even dating. I have realized that the sad truth of the matter is that I must have constant contact from a suitor, or else I quickly lose interest. One day without contact is a let-down. Two days is annoying. Three days is unacceptable. Four days is... wait, who is this again? Of course I like TT, but I can only really tell when we're together or talking. Perhaps I have just taken the message of He's Just Not That Into You to heart, but a few days with no contact sets me to thinking I had better not waist the pretty on this one, even though TT practically has "soul-mate" tattooed on his forehead. When I sent a goofy text message to him and received no reply I felt ignored. Irrationally so. I am like a child saying "PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEE!!" Yep, crazy. But acceptance is the first step to recovery, right?
Mixed Emotions:
I cried last night.
Reason 1: What if I don't like TT as much as I think I do? Can I really trust my own judgment after the whole MT nightmare?
Reason 2: MT ruined so much for me. I can't hardly talk about the last 6 years of my life because of him. Of course even when we were married he wasn't my whole life, but it's almost like trying to tell the story of Beauty and the Beast sans Beast (though, to be fair, he was more of a Gaston, except withouth the really good looking part) - it doesn't really work. Additional pain caused by the great relationship that I had with my inlaws, and the apparent need to let go of those relationships, at least on the family level.
Reason 3: It is possible (not likely, but possible) that TT might not want me.
Reason 4: Lady troubles. Period.
Mix-It-Up:
I did it. I made the mental switch from thinking of TT as my crush/boyfriend-type-guy/possible "One" to thinking of him as my bestie pal/BFF/super-friend. I am proud of myself. Making that switch is so liberating! I am now free to look around for other prospects to date instead of/in addition to him. It's as though the weight of definite involvement has lifted, and now I can fully enjoy the possibility. I am open to taking things further, but if nothing evolves, I am totally fine with simply enjoying our awesome friendship. Perhaps we're even better as friends than as lovers/more-than-friends. I'm clearly not going to figure it all out today, but sincerely, making that mental switch has liberated me something fierce. I love the way I'm feeling!
Mixed Numbers:
70% awesome
15% wanting to kiss TT on the mouth
9% PMS
5% wanting to scream "HOW DARE YOU?!?!" in MT's face
1% scared
100% surreal
Mixed Doubles:
Earlier this week was the anniversary of my marriage to MT. I "celebrated" by eating a delicious meal prepared by TT at L's house. A man cooking? That's just hot. The food was great, the company was better. I'm still pretty impressed.
Mixed Nuts:
I was answering the phone at work when an especially confident man tried to make the switch from phone-caller to gentleman caller. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner at a local romantic location with him. I responded with a quick "Sure, let's go!" when I saw that he was calling from another state, and clearly had no intention of actually making plans with me, the woman he had spoken to on the phone for 30 seconds and has never met in person. Going along with the joke he asked if my husband or boyfriend would mind him taking me out. I said "Nah, he won't mind." The man then asked "Which is it, husband or boyfriend?" I had to take a beat before answering "Ummm... both?"
Mixed Messages:
I have been irrationally slightly annoyed by the lack of what I can only call "quality communication" with TT over the past week. Only a few text messages and emails have been exchanged. This is of course irrational as we are not even dating. I have realized that the sad truth of the matter is that I must have constant contact from a suitor, or else I quickly lose interest. One day without contact is a let-down. Two days is annoying. Three days is unacceptable. Four days is... wait, who is this again? Of course I like TT, but I can only really tell when we're together or talking. Perhaps I have just taken the message of He's Just Not That Into You to heart, but a few days with no contact sets me to thinking I had better not waist the pretty on this one, even though TT practically has "soul-mate" tattooed on his forehead. When I sent a goofy text message to him and received no reply I felt ignored. Irrationally so. I am like a child saying "PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEE!!" Yep, crazy. But acceptance is the first step to recovery, right?
Mixed Emotions:
I cried last night.
Reason 1: What if I don't like TT as much as I think I do? Can I really trust my own judgment after the whole MT nightmare?
Reason 2: MT ruined so much for me. I can't hardly talk about the last 6 years of my life because of him. Of course even when we were married he wasn't my whole life, but it's almost like trying to tell the story of Beauty and the Beast sans Beast (though, to be fair, he was more of a Gaston, except withouth the really good looking part) - it doesn't really work. Additional pain caused by the great relationship that I had with my inlaws, and the apparent need to let go of those relationships, at least on the family level.
Reason 3: It is possible (not likely, but possible) that TT might not want me.
Reason 4: Lady troubles. Period.
Mix-It-Up:
I did it. I made the mental switch from thinking of TT as my crush/boyfriend-type-guy/possible "One" to thinking of him as my bestie pal/BFF/super-friend. I am proud of myself. Making that switch is so liberating! I am now free to look around for other prospects to date instead of/in addition to him. It's as though the weight of definite involvement has lifted, and now I can fully enjoy the possibility. I am open to taking things further, but if nothing evolves, I am totally fine with simply enjoying our awesome friendship. Perhaps we're even better as friends than as lovers/more-than-friends. I'm clearly not going to figure it all out today, but sincerely, making that mental switch has liberated me something fierce. I love the way I'm feeling!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Flirt
Helen Rowland (1875-1950, American journalist and humorist) said, "Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself." I am a terrible flirt. Well, actually I'm a fantastic flirt, and therein lies the problem. A glaring example of my flirting was evidenced in a text exchange with TT earlier this week. He sent me a message mentioning that he had lost sleep over his participation in his singles ward FHE activity the night before. They had played The Dating Game, and TT was one of the bachelors. He was regretting some of his answers to the questions asked, and was feeling a bit embarrassed about his performance in the dance-off. Yes, you read that right, there was a dance-off. After a little bit of back and forth about trying not to care about what other people think, I unabashedly sent off this gem:
His reply was:
I'm guessing that last thing is supposed to be some sort of smiley emoticon wearing sunglasses maybe? I'm not a big emoticon user, as I only infrequently use ":)" or ":D". Regardless, it seemed that my flirting was well received, but I thought I'd better just leave it at that. I hope he's not too overwhelmed by my blatant come-ons. I should probably cool it with the OTT flirting as I'm still on hold for another 11 days before it can really go anywhere (not that I'm counting).
C: Besides, I'd guess that you're still the ward heart-throb
despite last night's events. Remember you're totally dreamy.
His reply was:
TT: Yeah, you keep thinking that B-)
I'm guessing that last thing is supposed to be some sort of smiley emoticon wearing sunglasses maybe? I'm not a big emoticon user, as I only infrequently use ":)" or ":D". Regardless, it seemed that my flirting was well received, but I thought I'd better just leave it at that. I hope he's not too overwhelmed by my blatant come-ons. I should probably cool it with the OTT flirting as I'm still on hold for another 11 days before it can really go anywhere (not that I'm counting).
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Good Breeding
The other night Girlfriend and I were discussing good breeding in men. Men opening doors, walking on the outside of the street, walking you to the front door after a date - all evidence of good breeding. TT's good breeding was evidenced on our pseudo-date when he asked me to send him a text message when I got home to ensure that I made it there safely (as we had met there, so walking to the door need not apply.) This past week though, he really out-did himself on the good breeding front. I got my mail a few nights ago, and guess what was in there? A hand-written thank you note. Yep, he took the time to get my address and send me a card with stuff written in it. I'm basically in awe of his good breeding, and it has to be said, good penmanship. If his goal was to impress me, mission accomplished. I am quite literally amazed.
Monday, September 1, 2008
A Tendency to Experience Fireworks or What's a Date?
Last weekend I went on an outing that could be described as a date. Kinda. Sorta. What makes something a date anyway? According to the quote above, a date is "prearrangement. With a possibility for love." Well, this wasn't really prearranged - unless about an hour counts. And though there is the distinct possibility of love in the future, it was CLEAR that no "love" would be taking place that evening.Lloyd: I'm gonna take Diane Court out again.
Corey: Well that's unlikely.
Lloyd: Is the movies a good second date, you know? As a date?
Corey: Well you never had a first date.
Lloyd: Yes we did. I sat across from her at a mall. We ate together. We ate. That's eating. Sharing an important physical event.
Corey: That's not even a scam.
Lloyd: What's a scam?
Corey: Going out as friends.
DC: No its not. Scam is lusting.
Lloyd & Corey: Then what's a date?
DC: A date is a prearrangement. With a possibility for love.
Corey: Then what's love?from Say Anything...
Here's a quick run-down of the specifics:
Who - Complication and TT. I thought it would be a group outing, but when I found out it would just be the two of us, I didn't back out.
What - Get together to see a fireworks show, and do a little people watching.
When - Friday night.
Where - Local amusement park.
Why - Let's be honest, not only is it fun for us to hang out together, I clearly have a crush on TT, and quite possibly, he me.
How - We each have season tickets to said amusement park, and met there after a brief text-message exchange.
So, judge if you must. I'm still 24 days away from being free to pursue a legitimate relationship with TT (not that I'm counting). Perhaps I am a terrible person. And a shameless hussy. And... I don't care. It was awesome to hang out with him. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
This was the second time the TT and I have experienced fireworks together in as many months. As KBD said, twice in two months constitutes a tendency.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Elliot, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.
I've heard about it, I've read about it, I've even seen an episode of Scrubs about it, but until recently I had yet to observe the phenomenon personally. Apparently, something about turning over another decade sends people into panic mode. TT starts his fourth decade of living in just a few days, which prompted him to indulge his personal crisis by suddenly fleeing the state. I'm sure that he would prefer that this trip is viewed as a spontaneous vacation - one of the benefits of being single. However, the truth is that he's running away from reality, if but for a week.
What gives? KBD (my girlfriend that is kinda a big deal) is turning thirty just days after TT. Not only is she not at all bothered by this fact, she is fabulously looking forward to being thirty, and is appropriately reinventing herself by going to grad school. I will say that thirty is different in the church (KBD is not a Yummy). Thirty means you are this close to being kicked out of the YSA ward. Plus, growing older and staying single for men has some menace to society connotations, that I'm sure TT would like to avoid. But did he also intend to avoid the nebulous plans that we had brewing to get together this week? Of course nothing was set in stone, and it was not a date, as I am not viable for another 39 days (not that I'm counting). He didn't break our plans, just postponed them, claiming that the wait would make it that much more exciting! I'm not going to lie, I was pretty excited already, as he is a pretty exciting person. And pretty dreamy. And nice. And, I could go on.
Excitement, dreaminess, niceness et cetera notwithstanding, I can see that TT is feeling like a bit of a big fat failure as he is turning thirty, single, and unemployed (in the traditional sense - he doesn't have a 9 to 5). At least he's not homeless. And I really hope he hasn't soiled himself.
What gives? KBD (my girlfriend that is kinda a big deal) is turning thirty just days after TT. Not only is she not at all bothered by this fact, she is fabulously looking forward to being thirty, and is appropriately reinventing herself by going to grad school. I will say that thirty is different in the church (KBD is not a Yummy). Thirty means you are this close to being kicked out of the YSA ward. Plus, growing older and staying single for men has some menace to society connotations, that I'm sure TT would like to avoid. But did he also intend to avoid the nebulous plans that we had brewing to get together this week? Of course nothing was set in stone, and it was not a date, as I am not viable for another 39 days (not that I'm counting). He didn't break our plans, just postponed them, claiming that the wait would make it that much more exciting! I'm not going to lie, I was pretty excited already, as he is a pretty exciting person. And pretty dreamy. And nice. And, I could go on.
Excitement, dreaminess, niceness et cetera notwithstanding, I can see that TT is feeling like a bit of a big fat failure as he is turning thirty, single, and unemployed (in the traditional sense - he doesn't have a 9 to 5). At least he's not homeless. And I really hope he hasn't soiled himself.
RED FLAG DATING
I have to apologize. I have been the all-time WORST blog partner! So sorry C! The thing is. I have been ridiculously busy having lots of fun/drama since my divorce was final on July 23rd. Plus, I'm moving, getting ready for fall semester, and took a road trip to Utah in July. So I guess I should update you on what I've been up to. I hope it's not boring. I will try to make it interesting.
I went out to dinner with a couple of single girl friends about a week before my divorce was to be final. Well, I was getting seriously anxious for it all to be over and to FINALLY get to at least have male friends and hang out. So, my friends suggested I get on LDSMingle.com. So I did that night. Well, the next day I was contacted by a not so bad looking guy. We'll call him... lemme think. How about The Lame One? I think I'll call him "Lame" for short because I think I've decided that the initials are semi-difficult to keep straight. So anyway, we started emailing back and forth, and he seemed like a really nice guy. I mean actually he is a nice guy (sort of) but... there were some major RED FLAGS that I basically ignored. Why did I do this? Well, because maybe I just wanted a date the day my D was final? Because I needed a rebound relationship before really getting down to business? I don't know! All I'm saying is, I'm glad that I got my rebound relationship over with, and that it was with someone I really could/would never marry. So, we decided to go out to lunch, just as friends before my D was final, (please don't judge, I mean, go ahead if you must) and we did, and I was fairly impressed with Lame. Here's the "impressive" description: Tall, OK looking (though not my type), Lawyer & Professor, House in Costa Rica, BMW, Good Dad, Lakers Tickets!! So far, so good, right? And I met him on an LDS singles website, so yeah... what could really be wrong with this guy?
OK back up... The first email he sent me, which should have been my first clue not to bother: "Who do you prefer: Steve Miller or the Scorpions?" What the freak. Well, of course I'm not like, 100 years old, so I don't like either. That should have been my first clue that it wasn't going to work out! I mean. I'm no spring chicken, but I still like good music and I'm so not stuck in a time warp! So, I would call that RED FLAG #1: OLD BORINGNESS. So, I'm like, "I'm guessing you are joking but, If I HAD TO choose I guess I would pick the Scorpions." Well, long story short, 3 weeks later, I found myself at THE MOST BORING CONCERT OF ALL TIME: Steve Miller Band. UGH! That's another story entirely. So, the reason we didn't go to the Scorpions was... the concert was on Sunday and I'm kind of strict about Sundays, and if I'm going to break the Sabbath, it's definitely NOT going to be for the freakin' SCORPIONS! What??? Oh goodness. RED FLAG #2: BREAKING THE SABBATH FOR A SUPER LAME CONCERT.
So, we went out for a couple of weeks, and I noticed pretty immediately that he would always make a joke, or change the subject when I tried to talk about spiritual things. So, for some reason, I could tell that he wasn't really living the standards, let's just say. So, I told him that under no circumstances would I get married outside the temple. And so, I asked him straight out... do you wear your g's? And he's like, no. And i'm like RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG! in my mind. He explained why, and it's super lame so I'm not going into it, because I'm basically sick of the subject. But still, I wanted to give him a chance because I really believe that people can make mighty changes in their lives, so I continued to try and bring up the subject of getting back to the temple etc, and well. He just finally realized I think, that he really isn't interested in that. Long story short... suddenly OUT OF NOWHERE... complete email, phone, and text silence. Like for real. Happened overnight. And I have to say... I didn't really care. I mean... I didn't cry over it (and I am the biggest bawl-baby). He just wasn't right for me. RED FLAG #3: NO TEMPLE RECOMMEND AND NO DESIRE TO GET ONE. So, I got over that one pretty quick, and I'm actually really happy to be out of that relationship. OH! I forgot. Also, he kept bringing up the subject of sex. I mean really, he couldn't shut up about it. AND he was constantly trying to get in my pants. Well... he wasn't successful, but I would call that RED FLAG #4: OBSESSED WITH SEX, NOT OBSESSED W/THE GOSPEL. So I'm glad to be rid of him, because I was soooo conflicted about him because of his lack of spirituality and other things to be frank. That confliction (not a word probably) was making me crazy, and I never REALLY felt good about him. He looked good on paper, but really, not my type. Note to Lame: good luck finding a better girl than me. For real. I'm not even kidding.
Moral of the story: Don't ignore RED FLAGS. They are there for a reason. To protect you.
So, in the meantime, I met this other guy. We are just friends because yes... he is also young, like TYO (the young one). But I must confess, I have a ridiculous crush on him. He is perfection. He's hilarious, cute, tall, fun, cool, spiritual and smart. Oh Boy. There is a long story about him, but it will have to wait till next time because I have a MILLION things to do today. No lie.
I went out to dinner with a couple of single girl friends about a week before my divorce was to be final. Well, I was getting seriously anxious for it all to be over and to FINALLY get to at least have male friends and hang out. So, my friends suggested I get on LDSMingle.com. So I did that night. Well, the next day I was contacted by a not so bad looking guy. We'll call him... lemme think. How about The Lame One? I think I'll call him "Lame" for short because I think I've decided that the initials are semi-difficult to keep straight. So anyway, we started emailing back and forth, and he seemed like a really nice guy. I mean actually he is a nice guy (sort of) but... there were some major RED FLAGS that I basically ignored. Why did I do this? Well, because maybe I just wanted a date the day my D was final? Because I needed a rebound relationship before really getting down to business? I don't know! All I'm saying is, I'm glad that I got my rebound relationship over with, and that it was with someone I really could/would never marry. So, we decided to go out to lunch, just as friends before my D was final, (please don't judge, I mean, go ahead if you must) and we did, and I was fairly impressed with Lame. Here's the "impressive" description: Tall, OK looking (though not my type), Lawyer & Professor, House in Costa Rica, BMW, Good Dad, Lakers Tickets!! So far, so good, right? And I met him on an LDS singles website, so yeah... what could really be wrong with this guy?
OK back up... The first email he sent me, which should have been my first clue not to bother: "Who do you prefer: Steve Miller or the Scorpions?" What the freak. Well, of course I'm not like, 100 years old, so I don't like either. That should have been my first clue that it wasn't going to work out! I mean. I'm no spring chicken, but I still like good music and I'm so not stuck in a time warp! So, I would call that RED FLAG #1: OLD BORINGNESS. So, I'm like, "I'm guessing you are joking but, If I HAD TO choose I guess I would pick the Scorpions." Well, long story short, 3 weeks later, I found myself at THE MOST BORING CONCERT OF ALL TIME: Steve Miller Band. UGH! That's another story entirely. So, the reason we didn't go to the Scorpions was... the concert was on Sunday and I'm kind of strict about Sundays, and if I'm going to break the Sabbath, it's definitely NOT going to be for the freakin' SCORPIONS! What??? Oh goodness. RED FLAG #2: BREAKING THE SABBATH FOR A SUPER LAME CONCERT.
So, we went out for a couple of weeks, and I noticed pretty immediately that he would always make a joke, or change the subject when I tried to talk about spiritual things. So, for some reason, I could tell that he wasn't really living the standards, let's just say. So, I told him that under no circumstances would I get married outside the temple. And so, I asked him straight out... do you wear your g's? And he's like, no. And i'm like RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG! in my mind. He explained why, and it's super lame so I'm not going into it, because I'm basically sick of the subject. But still, I wanted to give him a chance because I really believe that people can make mighty changes in their lives, so I continued to try and bring up the subject of getting back to the temple etc, and well. He just finally realized I think, that he really isn't interested in that. Long story short... suddenly OUT OF NOWHERE... complete email, phone, and text silence. Like for real. Happened overnight. And I have to say... I didn't really care. I mean... I didn't cry over it (and I am the biggest bawl-baby). He just wasn't right for me. RED FLAG #3: NO TEMPLE RECOMMEND AND NO DESIRE TO GET ONE. So, I got over that one pretty quick, and I'm actually really happy to be out of that relationship. OH! I forgot. Also, he kept bringing up the subject of sex. I mean really, he couldn't shut up about it. AND he was constantly trying to get in my pants. Well... he wasn't successful, but I would call that RED FLAG #4: OBSESSED WITH SEX, NOT OBSESSED W/THE GOSPEL. So I'm glad to be rid of him, because I was soooo conflicted about him because of his lack of spirituality and other things to be frank. That confliction (not a word probably) was making me crazy, and I never REALLY felt good about him. He looked good on paper, but really, not my type. Note to Lame: good luck finding a better girl than me. For real. I'm not even kidding.
Moral of the story: Don't ignore RED FLAGS. They are there for a reason. To protect you.
So, in the meantime, I met this other guy. We are just friends because yes... he is also young, like TYO (the young one). But I must confess, I have a ridiculous crush on him. He is perfection. He's hilarious, cute, tall, fun, cool, spiritual and smart. Oh Boy. There is a long story about him, but it will have to wait till next time because I have a MILLION things to do today. No lie.
Monday, August 11, 2008
A call to action
Dear Girlfriend,
As me and all loyal IC readers know, your divorce is now final, and you have begun your full-force attack on dating. Why, oh why, Girlfriend, do you deprive us of your dating anecdotes, be they joyful, painful or just plain funny? Why do you rob us of your wisdom and wit by not putting fingers to keyboard in over a month? Why do you forget me, your once-sister-in-waiting, in pursuit of MOD (Man of Dreams) without so much as a quick two-line update here on IC. This is a call to action.
We're waiting.
love,
Complication
As me and all loyal IC readers know, your divorce is now final, and you have begun your full-force attack on dating. Why, oh why, Girlfriend, do you deprive us of your dating anecdotes, be they joyful, painful or just plain funny? Why do you rob us of your wisdom and wit by not putting fingers to keyboard in over a month? Why do you forget me, your once-sister-in-waiting, in pursuit of MOD (Man of Dreams) without so much as a quick two-line update here on IC. This is a call to action.
We're waiting.
love,
Complication
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Fade Away
As we all know, the Fade Away (or the Fade Out) is a technique in dating wherein one party decides to end an acquaintance/relationship by incrementally reducing contact. Reduced text messaging or email, infrequent phone calls, and no hanging out full-stop. Within about three weeks you have successfully ended your relationship without that pesky break-up scene.
As you may or may not have guessed, I had decided to employ the Fade Away technique on UL. We weren't dating (clearly) and actually reside in different states, so it seemed like the logical conclusion to our acquaintance once I decided that I wasn't interested in pursuing something with him in 49 days (not that I'm counting). I hadn't heard from him in about a week when the following text exchange occurred.
I have not heard a peep from him since. Some would say that this is avoidance, plain and simple. I can't disagree. However, I've got a real question - what is kinder, being honest and open with a guy by saying "Look, I'm just not that into you," or avoiding a scene by saying something like "Wow, I have been really busy lately," which is pretty universally acknowledged to mean the same thing. I'm not rude or a coward (though to be honest, I have been known to read this in my former incarnation as a single person) so if he contacts me again, I will be honest and straight-forward with him. The truth is that I'm not interested in him romantically. Somewhere between the emails and meeting him, my interest in him simply faded away.
As you may or may not have guessed, I had decided to employ the Fade Away technique on UL. We weren't dating (clearly) and actually reside in different states, so it seemed like the logical conclusion to our acquaintance once I decided that I wasn't interested in pursuing something with him in 49 days (not that I'm counting). I hadn't heard from him in about a week when the following text exchange occurred.
UL: You better not be trying to fade away on me.
C: I have been so busy!
UL: It's good to be busy.
I have not heard a peep from him since. Some would say that this is avoidance, plain and simple. I can't disagree. However, I've got a real question - what is kinder, being honest and open with a guy by saying "Look, I'm just not that into you," or avoiding a scene by saying something like "Wow, I have been really busy lately," which is pretty universally acknowledged to mean the same thing. I'm not rude or a coward (though to be honest, I have been known to read this in my former incarnation as a single person) so if he contacts me again, I will be honest and straight-forward with him. The truth is that I'm not interested in him romantically. Somewhere between the emails and meeting him, my interest in him simply faded away.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Dream Lover
I just had to make a quick post about the interesting news I just received. Almost as soon as I strolled into the office this morning, WF (Work Friend) just HAD to share her news with me. She had a dream this weekend that I got married. The groom? None other than TT. I showed her some pictures of the fair last week, and that was all it took. He is now my dream lover - well at least according to WF. I'll take it.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The Fair Affair
A week or so after I received the "fun personality" email from L, I was surprised and delighted to receive a follow-up email inviting me to accompany her family to our county fair. Specifically, the email stated that TT told L to invite me, and we could all go. L is so lovely that she was worried that this might be considered a date, and wondered if going with a married couple and their three kids would "pass as legal." What a doll. I actually adore the fair, and I was despairing that I might not be able to rope anyone into going with me this year, so this invitation was perfect. I responded that I would absolutely love to go, and I considered the invite as L and TT taking pity on my poor unfortunate soul, and thus not a date, as I don't do pity dates.
I anxiously awaited the outing for the next several days. I didn't want to get too excited about it, just to have my hopes dashed, so I did my best to temper my bubbling enthusiasm for what lay ahead. Even if I were severely disappointed in TT upon our third meeting (who I hadn't encountered for 3 or 4 weeks at this point) I would still have the fair.
Well, I couldn't have over-expected as the magic of the fair over-delivered big time. Here's a quick overview:
People in our group: 9
Animals petted: 8
Fried foods eaten: 5
Dares: 1 series, escalating
Rides: 3
Inside jokes created: about a million
Awkward silences: 0
Times our hands, arms and/or legs accidentally brushed together: multiple
Times I liked it: all
Hours spent at the fair: 7
Phone numbers exchanged: 2
People that are now gaga: at least 1, maybe 2
The next day I got an email from L thanking me for being part of the group, and not so subtly asking for me to dish on TT. She said that we seemed like "two peas in a pod" and that we had too much in common and too much "click" to not have at least the potential of something promising in our future. She also offered to create more opportunities for us to get together in a group setting so as to not upset the delicate not-a-date balance that we seem to have created. She is lovely. I responded with some toned-down gushing.
Basically, and this is the absolute truth, I was delighted to just spend time as friends with TT. He is such a fun person, and we really did click on a deep level. I feel really drawn to him, and I have this very strong inclination towards being friends with him. I wouldn't be crushed if he didn't want to date me, but I think I might be if he didn't want to be my close friend, if that makes any sense. It's kind of like how I have felt upon meeting significant friends over the years, like L, or one of my closest girlfriends KBD (she's kinda a big deal) - I just knew that we would be great friends. That said, I obviously have a crush on the guy.
Now I have a bit of a problem. Between reading Breaking Dawn all night and day, and girlishly squealing over TT intermittently throughout the day, it is a sad state of affairs over here at IC headquarters. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that patience is not my strong suit. My personality, especially when it comes to men, can be described as impatiently exuberant. With 57 days until D-day (not that I'm counting) I seriously need to relax and/or take a chill pill. Perhaps this state-imposed cooling off period is a good thing for my rushing, passionate, coming on too strongly, predatory, over the top ways. However, once that clock runs out, TT won't even know what hit him. That is, if he sticks around long enough to find out. Then again, I don't see how he couldn't - it just wouldn't seem fair.
I anxiously awaited the outing for the next several days. I didn't want to get too excited about it, just to have my hopes dashed, so I did my best to temper my bubbling enthusiasm for what lay ahead. Even if I were severely disappointed in TT upon our third meeting (who I hadn't encountered for 3 or 4 weeks at this point) I would still have the fair.
Well, I couldn't have over-expected as the magic of the fair over-delivered big time. Here's a quick overview:
People in our group: 9
Animals petted: 8
Fried foods eaten: 5
Dares: 1 series, escalating
Rides: 3
Inside jokes created: about a million
Awkward silences: 0
Times our hands, arms and/or legs accidentally brushed together: multiple
Times I liked it: all
Hours spent at the fair: 7
Phone numbers exchanged: 2
People that are now gaga: at least 1, maybe 2
The next day I got an email from L thanking me for being part of the group, and not so subtly asking for me to dish on TT. She said that we seemed like "two peas in a pod" and that we had too much in common and too much "click" to not have at least the potential of something promising in our future. She also offered to create more opportunities for us to get together in a group setting so as to not upset the delicate not-a-date balance that we seem to have created. She is lovely. I responded with some toned-down gushing.
Basically, and this is the absolute truth, I was delighted to just spend time as friends with TT. He is such a fun person, and we really did click on a deep level. I feel really drawn to him, and I have this very strong inclination towards being friends with him. I wouldn't be crushed if he didn't want to date me, but I think I might be if he didn't want to be my close friend, if that makes any sense. It's kind of like how I have felt upon meeting significant friends over the years, like L, or one of my closest girlfriends KBD (she's kinda a big deal) - I just knew that we would be great friends. That said, I obviously have a crush on the guy.
Now I have a bit of a problem. Between reading Breaking Dawn all night and day, and girlishly squealing over TT intermittently throughout the day, it is a sad state of affairs over here at IC headquarters. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that patience is not my strong suit. My personality, especially when it comes to men, can be described as impatiently exuberant. With 57 days until D-day (not that I'm counting) I seriously need to relax and/or take a chill pill. Perhaps this state-imposed cooling off period is a good thing for my rushing, passionate, coming on too strongly, predatory, over the top ways. However, once that clock runs out, TT won't even know what hit him. That is, if he sticks around long enough to find out. Then again, I don't see how he couldn't - it just wouldn't seem fair.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Please proceed directly to the Friend Zone
A few weeks back I was talking to L at a church activity. She told me that she was going to be seeing TT the next day, and she had plans to find out what he thought about me. It's always good to know these types of things, so I was excited to hear one way or the other. When more than a week passed by with no update from L, I knew the news was not good. Think about it, if he had expressed interest in me, she would have wanted to tell me this news straight away. If he had no interest, she would have opted to say nothing rather than risk hurting my feelings. In my mind the best case scenario was that they had not had an opportunity to talk at all. Then I got the fateful email.
Apparently TT thinks I have a "fun personality." Well that's just great. In dating language "fun personality" is code for "not that attractive." Kind of like how online profiles that state the man is seeking a woman that "takes care of her body" is code for "No Fat Chicks." This whole situation reminded me of this scene from When Harry Met Sally...
In other news, UL is no longer undercover. I met him while I was visiting his state for a wedding this past weekend. He met me and a girlfriend for dinner one night. I figured that unequal numbers plus each person paying for their own meal kept this from being a date. The evening was nice, and I had a good time. Well, it turns out he's not so much lover, either. While UL is a genuinely nice man, it was not a love connection on my side. Let's just say he has a good personality.
Apparently TT thinks I have a "fun personality." Well that's just great. In dating language "fun personality" is code for "not that attractive." Kind of like how online profiles that state the man is seeking a woman that "takes care of her body" is code for "No Fat Chicks." This whole situation reminded me of this scene from When Harry Met Sally...
Jess: When someone's not that attractive, they're always described as having a good personality.Let's just hope that I'm attractive with a good personality.
Harry: Look, if you had asked me what does she look like and I said, she has a good personality, that means she's not attractive. But just because I happen to mention that she has a good personality, she could be either. She could be attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality.
Jess: So which one is she?
Harry: Attractive.
Jess: But not beautiful, right?
In other news, UL is no longer undercover. I met him while I was visiting his state for a wedding this past weekend. He met me and a girlfriend for dinner one night. I figured that unequal numbers plus each person paying for their own meal kept this from being a date. The evening was nice, and I had a good time. Well, it turns out he's not so much lover, either. While UL is a genuinely nice man, it was not a love connection on my side. Let's just say he has a good personality.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Missed Connections
As I sit here literally suffering from a missed plane connection, I thought it would be appropriate to delve into the topic of missed connections in general. I often read through my area's list of missed connections on Craigslist. These ads are usually something along the lines of "I saw you in the grocery store. I was wearing a red mini skirt, you were the bearded fellow in front of me in line buying the organic tequila...," or "At Starbucks you ordered the vanilla machiato (no whip) and I heard them call "Cindy" when it was ready. Cindy, if you're out there, I'm the shy indie guy that was behind you in line, and too intimidated by your beauty to approach you..."
These kinds of ads are so full of hope and longing that it makes my heart ache. I wonder if I am making the same kinds of impressions on strangers around me day in and day out (sans tequila and coffee). I don't ever expect to recognize myself in one of these ads. Even if I do, being LDS, it takes more than that instant of connection to drive a relationship. But what other missed connections do each of us have out there? Is there anyone that you consider "the one who got away?" I am typically too bold to have many missed connections in the traditional sense, but I do have acquaintances that have faded away over time. When I got married, I didn't pay enough attention to a lot of my friendships, and I purposely avoided even existing friendships with men, because, no matter what MT thinks, gender matters when you are married! Now that I'm not married, I find myself single in more ways than just romantically. One person described this predicament as the horrible gift of loneliness that keeps on giving - first you lose the marriage, then you realize that you alienated all your friends, and perhaps even family over the years. Only then do you understand how much connecting you have truly missed.
These kinds of ads are so full of hope and longing that it makes my heart ache. I wonder if I am making the same kinds of impressions on strangers around me day in and day out (sans tequila and coffee). I don't ever expect to recognize myself in one of these ads. Even if I do, being LDS, it takes more than that instant of connection to drive a relationship. But what other missed connections do each of us have out there? Is there anyone that you consider "the one who got away?" I am typically too bold to have many missed connections in the traditional sense, but I do have acquaintances that have faded away over time. When I got married, I didn't pay enough attention to a lot of my friendships, and I purposely avoided even existing friendships with men, because, no matter what MT thinks, gender matters when you are married! Now that I'm not married, I find myself single in more ways than just romantically. One person described this predicament as the horrible gift of loneliness that keeps on giving - first you lose the marriage, then you realize that you alienated all your friends, and perhaps even family over the years. Only then do you understand how much connecting you have truly missed.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The next Mr. Complication
I routinely find the next Mr. Complication through a little bit of Facebook stalking. About once every two weeks I'll browse around clicking through to friends of friends, or exploring the "People You May Know" feature. Today I found the next Mr. Complication through these very means. I developed a crush on him based solely on the favorites he has listed for movies and books. If this is wrong, I don't want to be right. Anyway, because I am not only complicated, but also bold, I sent him a message. We'll see if he hits me back. I'll keep you posted.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Hold up - I think that's ME you're talking about!
The other day I was perusing random blogs, as I often do, when I ran across the following
I hate anonymous blogs. I think they're so annoying. (Okay, seriously, so blessed is anonymous, but that's because it's FAKE!) I just hate when people give people they know nicknames or shorten their names. I don't know why it annoys me so much, but it does. Like, TT did this yesterday. And I LOVE J whenever he does this. And P is just hilarious!I mean, I've give people nicknames, such as Santa, PME, JT (okay that's me, but whatever), Mr. Hyde (hahahaha love that one), uhhh New Testament "boyfriend," etc, but people who do that on blogs annoy me. Why would you write a blog if it's anonymous? If you want to talk about your life that much, and you don't want people to read it and realize it's you, write a journal or something.And people who have a countdown until their divorce is finalized are tacky. That's right. Tacky. I mean, yes, your marriage obviously was bad enough that you're ending it, but still. I'm sure Ann Post or whoever does the manners stuff would say that it's bad manners. When it ends, you can celebrate however you want privately, but having a party to be like, "yay I'm single!" just seems extremely tacky to me. If you can give me a good reason as to why you should have a countdown or have a party celebrating your newly single state, go ahead. I'd like to hear your reasoning. I wouldn't even argue back. I'd just want to know.
I was just thinking how funny it was that I myself do a little writing on an anonymous blog. And use initials. And happen to know the number of days until my divorce is final (74, not that I'm counting). Wait a second...this seems a bit too coincidental. My reply follows
Oh, ouch, J. You bring up some valid points; having a countdown to your divorce being finalized IS tacky. I concur. And I understand that it must be frustrating to see these women (me) seemingly celebrating the demise of their marriages. Believe me, I am in reality sick over the end of my marriage. This was not my choice however, and I can only choose how I react to the situation. I choose to keep my chin up, and try to find a silver lining in this down-right crappy situation. For me, that silver lining is the opportunity for a second chance at happiness - so why wouldn't I be counting down to this?I blog as an outlet, and I enjoy the fact that people can read my entries. I'm actually pretty proud of some of the writing I've done on "It's Complicated," and I sometimes lament that I can't take credit for it. As far as the anonymous thing goes, I am doing that as a courtesy to my former spouse. I have personally blogged for about eight years, but I feel that some things are not appropriate or kind to share with those that care about both of us. I may be tacky, but I'm not mean.Girlfriend had this to say
Thanks for reading our blog... yes. I guess it's annoying all the initials and such. (I even have a hard time remembering who's who) The reason I want to stay anonymous is to protect the innocent... namely my kids who don't know most of what has happened with their dad.
The blog for me, is basically, therapy. A place where I can say what's on my mind without hurting others. I'm also hoping that there are others out there who understand what we are going through... hence the reason for the public blog.
And as far as the countdown... hm. I'm not sure it's tacky necessarily... maybe just lame?? I don't know! haha! But until you've walked in my shoes... which very few people have (thank goodness)... I totally understand that you might thing it's tacky! I would too probably because in all realness... it's depressing and a total nightmare which in a perfect world shouldn't be celebrated.
Anyway... seriously... neither of us would want to be in this situation. We're just trying to have a sense of humor about it all. No harm was intended.So there you have it. IC has made the first of what is sure to be many dents on the web. At least, this is the first that we've found. Are there any other posts out there that we should be aware of? We're obviously no Seriously, so blessed!, but we do feel seriously blessed to have this forum for airing our grievances and joys, and we're glad to have you along for the ride.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Curtains
Since our split I have only dreamed about MT three times, which is remarkable as I am quite the dreamer.
The first was a scene of us listening to music at the church building where we used to attend together. It was nice, but I didn't discern any deeper meaning from it.
The second dream was another short scene - we sat outside his sister's house and I talked to him about the relationship in the third person, as though he weren't a part of it. When I had finished, he hugged me and told me that I was ready to date. This was a lovely dream, and I don't think you need a PhD in dream analysis to understand that one.
The third and most recent dream was also a nice one, at least on the surface, but a bit fuzzier at second glance. All I can remember of the dream is a scene of us kissing on my current doorstep after we had somehow gotten back together.
The dream had the effect of making me feel totally unsettled the entirety of the next day. It's a tale as old as time - wishing that the guilty party would realize the error of his ways and turn up on your doorstep wanting to make amends. I clearly on some subconscious level had unresolved feelings for MT. But did I really want him back? Even if he had misgivings about chucking me, would I be able to forgive him? The dream really brought up a lot of questions, and I wanted answers. So I turned to the divorcee's best friend - text messaging.
The first was a scene of us listening to music at the church building where we used to attend together. It was nice, but I didn't discern any deeper meaning from it.
The second dream was another short scene - we sat outside his sister's house and I talked to him about the relationship in the third person, as though he weren't a part of it. When I had finished, he hugged me and told me that I was ready to date. This was a lovely dream, and I don't think you need a PhD in dream analysis to understand that one.
The third and most recent dream was also a nice one, at least on the surface, but a bit fuzzier at second glance. All I can remember of the dream is a scene of us kissing on my current doorstep after we had somehow gotten back together.
The dream had the effect of making me feel totally unsettled the entirety of the next day. It's a tale as old as time - wishing that the guilty party would realize the error of his ways and turn up on your doorstep wanting to make amends. I clearly on some subconscious level had unresolved feelings for MT. But did I really want him back? Even if he had misgivings about chucking me, would I be able to forgive him? The dream really brought up a lot of questions, and I wanted answers. So I turned to the divorcee's best friend - text messaging.
C: Just putting it out there - are you absolutely certain that you want to go through with the divorce? I would be willing to try again if you wanted to.When I read that I felt like I had been sucker-punched in the stomach. But who exactly is the sucker here? I had to remind myself that nothing had changed, except that now I had the answers to those looming questions. I had done all I could to salvage the marriage including giving him one last chance at a happy life with me. I gave him a window, but he gave me the curtain.
MT: I am absolutely certain.
Independence Day
Yesterday, July 4th, I declared my independence from any form of scruple that would have prevented my imposing on the family function of strangers. I spent the bulk of my day as the foreigner at L's extended family barbecue/pool party.
At my ward's morning flag raising/pancake breakfast L learned that I had no plans for the rest of the day. She invited me to tag along with her family the rest of the day, assuring me that it would not be weird at all, and that her family is a "the more the merrier" type of crowd. I quickly ran through a cost/benefit analysis and decided to accept the invite. I figured that the benefit of not spending a national holiday on my own, and meeting new people and maybe having a really good time outweighed the cost of a possibly awkward afternoon.
Well, I did end up meeting new people and having a really good time. But that did nothing to alleviate the awkward situation that ensued. That's right loyal IC readers, TT was there. L neglected to mention him at all whilst extending the invite, so I figured it was the other side of her family, or maybe even her husband's family that we would be visiting. Imagine my surprise when I realized that not only would my second meeting with TT be an extended family audition, but also that it would take place in a bathing suit.
After catching sight of TT, and realizing my mistake, I decided to make the most of it. Once the initial shock wore off, I ended up having a nice time. TT and I chatted a bit, but nothing heavy. He didn't go out of his way to hang around me, but also didn't go out of his way to avoid me. I learned that my initial instincts were correct, that he is quite the dish. A nice, tall, interesting dish. But also a dish that did nothing to further our friendship. We didn't exchange phone numbers or emails. I stalkerishly tried looking him up on facebook to no avail. Hmph.
A few noteworthy items that occurred throughout the day:
At my ward's morning flag raising/pancake breakfast L learned that I had no plans for the rest of the day. She invited me to tag along with her family the rest of the day, assuring me that it would not be weird at all, and that her family is a "the more the merrier" type of crowd. I quickly ran through a cost/benefit analysis and decided to accept the invite. I figured that the benefit of not spending a national holiday on my own, and meeting new people and maybe having a really good time outweighed the cost of a possibly awkward afternoon.
Well, I did end up meeting new people and having a really good time. But that did nothing to alleviate the awkward situation that ensued. That's right loyal IC readers, TT was there. L neglected to mention him at all whilst extending the invite, so I figured it was the other side of her family, or maybe even her husband's family that we would be visiting. Imagine my surprise when I realized that not only would my second meeting with TT be an extended family audition, but also that it would take place in a bathing suit.
After catching sight of TT, and realizing my mistake, I decided to make the most of it. Once the initial shock wore off, I ended up having a nice time. TT and I chatted a bit, but nothing heavy. He didn't go out of his way to hang around me, but also didn't go out of his way to avoid me. I learned that my initial instincts were correct, that he is quite the dish. A nice, tall, interesting dish. But also a dish that did nothing to further our friendship. We didn't exchange phone numbers or emails. I stalkerishly tried looking him up on facebook to no avail. Hmph.
A few noteworthy items that occurred throughout the day:
- TT's father gave me dating advise
- TT's brother-in-law invited me to watch an Ultimate Fighting pay-per-view game with them the next night. When I declined, stating that it's not really my thing, he said that he didn't think that TT likes it either. TT was not in the room, so why was he mentioned at all?
- TT's mother asked me to sit by her at the fireworks and then hugged me at the end of the night and said "We'll see you next year."
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Perhaps I've said too much
In The Holiday, Graham (played by Jude Law) says
I was talking to UL the other night on the phone. You know, the usual stuff - how are you, how was your day, blah blah blah. Then somehow I started talking about the new bra that I had recently purchased and how it makes my rack look amazing. Yes, that's right. I started telling this man that I have yet to meet in the flesh that I have an amazing rack. I wasn't even trying to be flirtatious, I was just being my very own version of socially awkward. Now, I don't see my lack of filter in certain social situations as a character flaw, nor do I see being honest to a fault as a virtue. I simply chalk this up to one of the various things that make me the complicated lady that I am. If a guy can't handle me oversharing about my amazing rack, my penchant for watching Degrassi: The Next Generation on Saturday afternoons, or the fact that I can eat a whole medium cheese pizza all by myself, then he is clearly not the guy for me. I don't want to trick someone into liking me, but should I wait a while before springing my full vibrant exhuberance on a man? I'm thinking, I may be crazy - but they don't need to know that just yet.
Luckily for me, UL was not put off by my overshare. He thought it was cute, and teased me a little about it when he realized that I was slightly embarrassed. Which brings me to one of my theories when it comes to dating - too much too soon is creepy when you're not into someone ("He called again? What is wrong with this guy?"), but it's flattering when you actually like them ("Yay! He texted, called and emailed all within a 24 hour period - how sweet!"). I'm guessing that UL actually likes me.
I have the classic male problem of no follow through. Absolutely never remember to call after a date—but as this wasn't a date, I guess I am off the hook.I am steeling myself for plenty of that classic male problem when I'm officially on the market in 88 days (not that I'm counting). However, there is no way that the men in my life can be ready for the classic Complication problem - the overshare.
I was talking to UL the other night on the phone. You know, the usual stuff - how are you, how was your day, blah blah blah. Then somehow I started talking about the new bra that I had recently purchased and how it makes my rack look amazing. Yes, that's right. I started telling this man that I have yet to meet in the flesh that I have an amazing rack. I wasn't even trying to be flirtatious, I was just being my very own version of socially awkward. Now, I don't see my lack of filter in certain social situations as a character flaw, nor do I see being honest to a fault as a virtue. I simply chalk this up to one of the various things that make me the complicated lady that I am. If a guy can't handle me oversharing about my amazing rack, my penchant for watching Degrassi: The Next Generation on Saturday afternoons, or the fact that I can eat a whole medium cheese pizza all by myself, then he is clearly not the guy for me. I don't want to trick someone into liking me, but should I wait a while before springing my full vibrant exhuberance on a man? I'm thinking, I may be crazy - but they don't need to know that just yet.
Luckily for me, UL was not put off by my overshare. He thought it was cute, and teased me a little about it when he realized that I was slightly embarrassed. Which brings me to one of my theories when it comes to dating - too much too soon is creepy when you're not into someone ("He called again? What is wrong with this guy?"), but it's flattering when you actually like them ("Yay! He texted, called and emailed all within a 24 hour period - how sweet!"). I'm guessing that UL actually likes me.
Monday, June 30, 2008
There's no comparison
Part of me wonders why I ever agreed to the stealth set-up with TT last night at L's house. Don't get me wrong, TT is basically amazing, and I spent the bulk of this morning gaga over the guy. However, with 90 days until I can actually DO anything about it (not that I'm counting) I wish that L and I would have waited a while to perform our thinly veiled stunt - which he saw right through, by the way.
So, let me enumerate some of his great qualities - he is decidedly tall, dark haired, handsome, interesting, funny, educated, a world traveler, gainfully employed, super nice, adorable with kids, and active in the church. Hot, right? After dinner, dessert and a lot of laughing, I made my exit with the other couple that had been invited. TT stuck around after we had left, and I was sure it was by design in order to get the scoop on me.
I emailed L last night thanking her for the dinner, because I am polite like that. I also may have mentioned that I think TT is dreamy, and does he like me? Or like like me? Huh, huh, huh?
L didn't keep me in suspense for long. She replied this morning that TT wasn't about to say whether or not he was interested in me, and that "time will tell." He also expressed concerns about divorced women in general. Apparently he's worried about being compared to the ex-spouse. When I read this I had to laugh as he's not even cognizant of the fact that he shares the same first name with MT, which absolutely begs for comparison.
I understand his trepidation about getting involved with a divorcee. As this blog boldly declares, in general, a relationship with a divorced woman would be much more complicated than a traditional relationship with a never-married. Girlfriend and I both get it. However, I'm not overly concerned about the stereotype. I believe that my personal situation is pretty exceptional and doesn't really cast a bad light on me at all - especially if you know the particulars. I'm pretty much a catch, divorce notwithstanding. And I stand by the declaration that I made to L last week: that any man you set me up with, stealthily or otherwise, will be thanking you.
Anyway, in true L style, the evening was absolutely lovely. I'm not holding my breath that something will happen between me and TT. I keep thinking that he is so great that surely he'll be snapped up in the next 90 days (not that I'm counting) leaving me back at square one. But if he's been single for nearly three decades, what's a few more months, right? We'll see if my luck holds out.
...And in case you're wondering TT would NOT suffer by comparison to MT. But I really think the phrase "there's no comparison" applies in this case.
So, let me enumerate some of his great qualities - he is decidedly tall, dark haired, handsome, interesting, funny, educated, a world traveler, gainfully employed, super nice, adorable with kids, and active in the church. Hot, right? After dinner, dessert and a lot of laughing, I made my exit with the other couple that had been invited. TT stuck around after we had left, and I was sure it was by design in order to get the scoop on me.
I emailed L last night thanking her for the dinner, because I am polite like that. I also may have mentioned that I think TT is dreamy, and does he like me? Or like like me? Huh, huh, huh?
L didn't keep me in suspense for long. She replied this morning that TT wasn't about to say whether or not he was interested in me, and that "time will tell." He also expressed concerns about divorced women in general. Apparently he's worried about being compared to the ex-spouse. When I read this I had to laugh as he's not even cognizant of the fact that he shares the same first name with MT, which absolutely begs for comparison.
I understand his trepidation about getting involved with a divorcee. As this blog boldly declares, in general, a relationship with a divorced woman would be much more complicated than a traditional relationship with a never-married. Girlfriend and I both get it. However, I'm not overly concerned about the stereotype. I believe that my personal situation is pretty exceptional and doesn't really cast a bad light on me at all - especially if you know the particulars. I'm pretty much a catch, divorce notwithstanding. And I stand by the declaration that I made to L last week: that any man you set me up with, stealthily or otherwise, will be thanking you.
Anyway, in true L style, the evening was absolutely lovely. I'm not holding my breath that something will happen between me and TT. I keep thinking that he is so great that surely he'll be snapped up in the next 90 days (not that I'm counting) leaving me back at square one. But if he's been single for nearly three decades, what's a few more months, right? We'll see if my luck holds out.
...And in case you're wondering TT would NOT suffer by comparison to MT. But I really think the phrase "there's no comparison" applies in this case.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Take Two
Almost instantly upon meeting me and learning of my "single" status, people inevitably want to set me up with their single son/brother/friend/cousin/neighbor/former roommate/mission companion/coworker. My friend, Lovely, is no different. L is one of the first women that I met in my new ward. We instantly clicked, and have become fast friends. Over the course of one of our various conversations, L expressed an interest in introducing me to her single cousin. He is well within my age range (ahem, Girlfriend), gainfully employed, tall, fun, and good with L's three children. Oh, and did I mention that he shares the same first name with MT?
Have you ever seriously dated two men of the same name? Has this been a problem for you? Perhaps oddly, I have little to no concern about dating TT (Take Two) in 92 days (not that I'm counting). What's in a name anyhow? I would be stupid to discount him based solely on that.
That said, L has invited me to dinner at her house tomorrow night. TT will be there. This is what I like to call the pre-date. I get the opportunity to get to know TT a little without having to commit to an actual date. This is especially nice as I'm not currently dating. As stupid as it may sound, I am excited about the prospect. I have carefully chosen my outfit (I'm going for the understated hot look - don't want to be too OTT) and am selecting some MT-free anecdotes to charm him with. I haven't been on a first date (let alone a pre-date) in over six years. I'll let you all know how it goes. Hopefully TT will prove himself worthy of taking the name for a second spin. And as L pointed out, at least I'd never call out the wrong name by accident.
Have you ever seriously dated two men of the same name? Has this been a problem for you? Perhaps oddly, I have little to no concern about dating TT (Take Two) in 92 days (not that I'm counting). What's in a name anyhow? I would be stupid to discount him based solely on that.
That said, L has invited me to dinner at her house tomorrow night. TT will be there. This is what I like to call the pre-date. I get the opportunity to get to know TT a little without having to commit to an actual date. This is especially nice as I'm not currently dating. As stupid as it may sound, I am excited about the prospect. I have carefully chosen my outfit (I'm going for the understated hot look - don't want to be too OTT) and am selecting some MT-free anecdotes to charm him with. I haven't been on a first date (let alone a pre-date) in over six years. I'll let you all know how it goes. Hopefully TT will prove himself worthy of taking the name for a second spin. And as L pointed out, at least I'd never call out the wrong name by accident.
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Young One... XO for reals.
Ahhhh... TYO... So, I'm fully aware that I may be totally losing it... but I have a silly crush on a boy that is WAY younger than me. The thing is... I didn't go after him... he contacted me first on an LDS singles website. (Like Complication, I too have dabbled a little in the weird and wacky world of LDS singles sites.) I was just on there looking around you know... checking out the horror of my future life when he sent me this "I'm interested in You" thing. So this is how it went down. I wrote back and said, "do you know how old I am?" and he's like... yes. So, because I was only snooping around, I didn't have a picture up... so I told him to go to my facebook, and that's where it all began. I started talking to him online every few days... and we just totally clicked! I know it's nuts for sure! But I don't care really. I'm just hoping for a NCMO in about 29 days :)!!!
The Sad News about TYO. He has this girl here in town this weekend... and I'm scared he's going to like, stop talking to me! I really need to get a new love interest/crush before I get too attached to this boy! AAAAAHHHH! It's nuts!!! hahahaha!
It's completely silly and won't go anywhere... but I am truly so thankful to have met him... it's been the best distraction for me and a major stress reliever. And he's freakin' cute for reals... oh and funny too, and a good boy. He refuses to meet me in person, or even talk to me on the phone before my D is final, which is good because I am totally weak! I would probably go for "hanging out" if he would agree because I am seriously TRUNKY and ready... so so so ready to be FREE AND SINGLE!
So... I'm trying to go on a TYO diet... but it's so hard to resist contacting him... it's so bad! I need to be strong!!! Every day I make a to-do list you know... and every day I write something to the effect of, "No Facebook" or today I wrote, "No TYO until after I get back from Utah". I am ridiculously weak. It never happens! I can't resist the temptation!!! I'm so weak in fact that I sent him this stupid email earlier tonight that I totally should not have sent! I'm just freaked that he's out with this girl who, by the way, is NOT cute enough for him, but that's beside the point... I'm sure she's a good person! ugh.
So... do you want to read it? Should I totally embarrass myself? This is anonymous... and it might be nice to get it off my chest. Hm.
Oh by the way... I did talk to him online like 3 times this week... late at night when I couldn't sleep. Ugh! what am I doing??? Being dumb.
So... I've decided not to put the email in here because it's just not that interesting!! But the point is... I need to leave that boy alone... and I'm going to. From this day forward... no TYO. For serious. Unless he contacts me first... even then, I think I should resist, right?? I don't think I can!!! Help!!
The Sad News about TYO. He has this girl here in town this weekend... and I'm scared he's going to like, stop talking to me! I really need to get a new love interest/crush before I get too attached to this boy! AAAAAHHHH! It's nuts!!! hahahaha!
It's completely silly and won't go anywhere... but I am truly so thankful to have met him... it's been the best distraction for me and a major stress reliever. And he's freakin' cute for reals... oh and funny too, and a good boy. He refuses to meet me in person, or even talk to me on the phone before my D is final, which is good because I am totally weak! I would probably go for "hanging out" if he would agree because I am seriously TRUNKY and ready... so so so ready to be FREE AND SINGLE!
So... I'm trying to go on a TYO diet... but it's so hard to resist contacting him... it's so bad! I need to be strong!!! Every day I make a to-do list you know... and every day I write something to the effect of, "No Facebook" or today I wrote, "No TYO until after I get back from Utah". I am ridiculously weak. It never happens! I can't resist the temptation!!! I'm so weak in fact that I sent him this stupid email earlier tonight that I totally should not have sent! I'm just freaked that he's out with this girl who, by the way, is NOT cute enough for him, but that's beside the point... I'm sure she's a good person! ugh.
So... do you want to read it? Should I totally embarrass myself? This is anonymous... and it might be nice to get it off my chest. Hm.
Oh by the way... I did talk to him online like 3 times this week... late at night when I couldn't sleep. Ugh! what am I doing??? Being dumb.
So... I've decided not to put the email in here because it's just not that interesting!! But the point is... I need to leave that boy alone... and I'm going to. From this day forward... no TYO. For serious. Unless he contacts me first... even then, I think I should resist, right?? I don't think I can!!! Help!!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
What's the hold up?
You may be asking yourself - why are Girlfriend and Complication waiting 29 and 94 days respectively (not that we're counting) before entering the dating pool? Well, it's complicated. The long and the short of it is that we are not dating until our divorces are final. Every state is different, and our state has a (seemingly absurdly long) mandatory waiting period before the divorce can become final. In some states this waiting period can be mutually waived. But not ours. Of course not. I have a judgment stamped and signed by a judge. The divorce has been granted. Now it's just a waiting game. Of course some would say that since I am legally separated, and it's just an arbitrary calendar date, that I could/should start dating as soon as I feel ready. Well, I feel ready now. However, I have been counseled by my Bishop that I am not to date before the divorce is final. I have taken that council to heart, even when, perhaps especially when, MT manages to make a mockery of this advice at every turn. When I start dating, I want to look back at this period of relational limbo and say that my conduct has been beyond reproach.
That said, emotionally speaking, I am so ready to date. MT was behaving so badly the last year of our marriage that I have reached the "good riddance" stage in record time. I must be giving off the single vibe quite strongly as I have been asked out multiple times in the past few weeks. To the car wash cashier, I simply said "No, thank you." However, to UL (undercover lover) I said "May I please have a rain check?" That's right. I have a date in 94 days (not that I'm counting).
About a month ago, a force of nature took over my brain. It was equal parts curiosity, boredom and a desire to "practice" the art of seduction/witty banter/engagingly flirtatious emails that had lain dormant since 2002. I decided to sign up for an LDS dating site on a whim. I stated boldly in my bare-bones profile that I was only looking for friends at this juncture. However, this proclamation did nothing to stem the tide of desperation flowing through the internet directly into my inbox. I have since hidden my profile, so don't go trying to find me.
This short-lived experiment confirmed three things in my mind;
That said, emotionally speaking, I am so ready to date. MT was behaving so badly the last year of our marriage that I have reached the "good riddance" stage in record time. I must be giving off the single vibe quite strongly as I have been asked out multiple times in the past few weeks. To the car wash cashier, I simply said "No, thank you." However, to UL (undercover lover) I said "May I please have a rain check?" That's right. I have a date in 94 days (not that I'm counting).
About a month ago, a force of nature took over my brain. It was equal parts curiosity, boredom and a desire to "practice" the art of seduction/witty banter/engagingly flirtatious emails that had lain dormant since 2002. I decided to sign up for an LDS dating site on a whim. I stated boldly in my bare-bones profile that I was only looking for friends at this juncture. However, this proclamation did nothing to stem the tide of desperation flowing through the internet directly into my inbox. I have since hidden my profile, so don't go trying to find me.
This short-lived experiment confirmed three things in my mind;
- There are in fact some decent guys out there that are looking for nice girls like me and Girlfriend. Not the least of which is UL.
- There are a lot of desperate weirdos out there as well. Yikes.
- I may be too young for this type of dating.
Due to my age which Girlfriend alluded to in her earlier post, I still qualify to attend a YSA ward for a few more years, which I guess I'll be doing in 94 days (not that I'm counting.) Until then, I'll be exploring prospects online and wherever else I can meet them. I am not dating now, but I plan to have a full social calendar when I am.
Who are the Complicated Ladies - part 2
Oh yes… It IS complicated… so complicated in fact, that I hesitate to tell too much so as to not totally confuse or bore you… or give away too much in case anyone recognizes my story. Hmmmm. Basically, like Complication, I was totally surprised by my soon-to-be ex-husband’s (hereafter called “X”) lack of desire to be married. Our stories are different though in many ways. First of all, X sucked from day ONE. From what I’ve heard, MT was pretty cool for a few years.
I seriously knew, and I’m not kidding, that I was in BIG TROUBLE on my wedding day. But what could I do? I was only 20 years old, insecure, and let’s just say it… STUPID. There’s a picture of me in my wedding dress sitting down at the reception with this… “What have I done?” look on my face… I actually remember thinking that when the picture was taken.
Even so, I had promised to do my best in the marriage, and remained very loyal to him, and NEVER EVER dreamed that we would end up divorced. I did the best I could under the circumstances, and will be the first to admit that I wasn’t perfect AT ALL. But I had a strong desire to be a good wife and mother. I had made a commitment, and I for one, wasn’t joking. I did the best I could. What can I say.
I forgive him.
But he drives me UP THE FREAKIN’ WALL.
I have to say, that our marriage wasn’t 100% bad… only about 70%. I think he really did the best he could, but just wasn’t capable of being a decent husband (MAJOR understatement). It wasn’t just the Bipolar and ADHD… he also has major female issues, and big time honesty issues which stems from being raised by a coo-coo mother.
THE GOOD NEWS:
I am happier now, and have more hope for my future, than I have ever had in my whole life. Yes, I am old… much MUCH older than Complication… but I don’t care. I truly believe that I will somehow miraculously find a really good man to marry who will truly respect and love me. I know he’s out there somewhere.
I need to have a serious prospect before age 40... so I better get on it!
So, I’ll be free to start my own Guerilla Marketing campaign in only 29 days. I’m hoping for all kinds of fun/funny experiences as I enter the oh-so-freaky Single Adult dating scene. So, check back often to read the drama.
By the way… I already have a story to tell about that… and it's a little naughty and crazy...shhhh.
I seriously knew, and I’m not kidding, that I was in BIG TROUBLE on my wedding day. But what could I do? I was only 20 years old, insecure, and let’s just say it… STUPID. There’s a picture of me in my wedding dress sitting down at the reception with this… “What have I done?” look on my face… I actually remember thinking that when the picture was taken.
Even so, I had promised to do my best in the marriage, and remained very loyal to him, and NEVER EVER dreamed that we would end up divorced. I did the best I could under the circumstances, and will be the first to admit that I wasn’t perfect AT ALL. But I had a strong desire to be a good wife and mother. I had made a commitment, and I for one, wasn’t joking. I did the best I could. What can I say.
I forgive him.
But he drives me UP THE FREAKIN’ WALL.
I have to say, that our marriage wasn’t 100% bad… only about 70%. I think he really did the best he could, but just wasn’t capable of being a decent husband (MAJOR understatement). It wasn’t just the Bipolar and ADHD… he also has major female issues, and big time honesty issues which stems from being raised by a coo-coo mother.
THE GOOD NEWS:
I am happier now, and have more hope for my future, than I have ever had in my whole life. Yes, I am old… much MUCH older than Complication… but I don’t care. I truly believe that I will somehow miraculously find a really good man to marry who will truly respect and love me. I know he’s out there somewhere.
I need to have a serious prospect before age 40... so I better get on it!
So, I’ll be free to start my own Guerilla Marketing campaign in only 29 days. I’m hoping for all kinds of fun/funny experiences as I enter the oh-so-freaky Single Adult dating scene. So, check back often to read the drama.
By the way… I already have a story to tell about that… and it's a little naughty and crazy...shhhh.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I would love to know
How do you go from this:
to this:
I don't think I'll ever know the answer.
hey beautiful.
You mean the world to me, and nothing else is more important in my life than your happiness. I wish that I could devise a way to show you how much you mean to me. You consistently make me happy and you have no idea how amazed I am by you and the fact that you are willing to marry me. I didn't think there was a person like you on earth and when I found you I didn't think someone like me had a chance. I would throw everything in my life away for the chance to be with you. I just can't wait to spend forever with you and I wish it could start today, or even yesterday. You mean everything to me and I will always be there
for you. Always.
Always.
i love you
-MT
to this:
the utilities are changed
-MT
I don't think I'll ever know the answer.
Who are the Complicated Ladies - part 1
By way of introduction - Complication:
After half a decade of togetherness, MT (man-toddler) finally owned up to the fact that he was not the marrying type after all, much to my horror. As trite as it sounds, we grew apart. More specifically, I grew up, and he grew to crave the company of 16-20 year old girls. I worked all the live-long day, while he worked out a way to spend six years in junior college without ever earning any form of degree. I longed for children, he longed for his freedom. After a year of his various attempts to Beastie Boy (sabotage) the marriage, all of which I noted then dismissed, he admitted, FINALLY, that he wanted me to leave. I found an apartment the next day, and we filed for divorce the following day, shocking our families and closest friends.
In my classiest moments I can speak warmly of the good times, hardly letting the complicated and hurtful past few years color my tone. There is still a lot that I admire about MT - he is a very kind, fun, interesting, intelligent, adventurous, generous and playful person. In my heart I still love him for all of those good things. But (and this is a big but) no matter how much love and admiration you feel for a person, the fact remains that love is not enough. Love can't force the hand of either party. Sometimes love and respect keep seperate quarters. And possibly, most hurtfully, love does not erase the huge lack of class and maturity shown by MT before, during, and especially since our split.
I am in limbo a few more months before I start my full-frontal assault on the dating scene. Girlfriend knows that I plan to engage in a guerrilla marketing-style dating campaign in just 95 days. Not that I'm counting.
So that's Complication. I'll let Girlfriend speak for herself. Believe me - it's complicated.
After half a decade of togetherness, MT (man-toddler) finally owned up to the fact that he was not the marrying type after all, much to my horror. As trite as it sounds, we grew apart. More specifically, I grew up, and he grew to crave the company of 16-20 year old girls. I worked all the live-long day, while he worked out a way to spend six years in junior college without ever earning any form of degree. I longed for children, he longed for his freedom. After a year of his various attempts to Beastie Boy (sabotage) the marriage, all of which I noted then dismissed, he admitted, FINALLY, that he wanted me to leave. I found an apartment the next day, and we filed for divorce the following day, shocking our families and closest friends.
In my classiest moments I can speak warmly of the good times, hardly letting the complicated and hurtful past few years color my tone. There is still a lot that I admire about MT - he is a very kind, fun, interesting, intelligent, adventurous, generous and playful person. In my heart I still love him for all of those good things. But (and this is a big but) no matter how much love and admiration you feel for a person, the fact remains that love is not enough. Love can't force the hand of either party. Sometimes love and respect keep seperate quarters. And possibly, most hurtfully, love does not erase the huge lack of class and maturity shown by MT before, during, and especially since our split.
I am in limbo a few more months before I start my full-frontal assault on the dating scene. Girlfriend knows that I plan to engage in a guerrilla marketing-style dating campaign in just 95 days. Not that I'm counting.
So that's Complication. I'll let Girlfriend speak for herself. Believe me - it's complicated.
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