Mixed Bag

As my D-day approaches in four short days (not that I'm counting), I have mixed feelings. I can't believe that in less than a week my relationship status will no longer be "complicated."

Mixed Numbers:
70% awesome
15% wanting to kiss TT on the mouth
9% PMS
5% wanting to scream "HOW DARE YOU?!?!" in MT's face
1% scared
100% surreal


Mixed Doubles:
Earlier this week was the anniversary of my marriage to MT. I "celebrated" by eating a delicious meal prepared by TT at L's house. A man cooking? That's just hot. The food was great, the company was better. I'm still pretty impressed.


Mixed Nuts:
I was answering the phone at work when an especially confident man tried to make the switch from phone-caller to gentleman caller. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner at a local romantic location with him. I responded with a quick "Sure, let's go!" when I saw that he was calling from another state, and clearly had no intention of actually making plans with me, the woman he had spoken to on the phone for 30 seconds and has never met in person. Going along with the joke he asked if my husband or boyfriend would mind him taking me out. I said "Nah, he won't mind." The man then asked "Which is it, husband or boyfriend?" I had to take a beat before answering "Ummm... both?"


Mixed Messages:
I have been irrationally slightly annoyed by the lack of what I can only call "quality communication" with TT over the past week. Only a few text messages and emails have been exchanged. This is of course irrational as we are not even dating. I have realized that the sad truth of the matter is that I must have constant contact from a suitor, or else I quickly lose interest. One day without contact is a let-down. Two days is annoying. Three days is unacceptable. Four days is... wait, who is this again? Of course I like TT, but I can only really tell when we're together or talking. Perhaps I have just taken the message of He's Just Not That Into You to heart, but a few days with no contact sets me to thinking I had better not waist the pretty on this one, even though TT practically has "soul-mate" tattooed on his forehead. When I sent a goofy text message to him and received no reply I felt ignored. Irrationally so. I am like a child saying "PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEE!!" Yep, crazy. But acceptance is the first step to recovery, right?


Mixed Emotions:
I cried last night.
Reason 1: What if I don't like TT as much as I think I do? Can I really trust my own judgment after the whole MT nightmare?
Reason 2: MT ruined so much for me. I can't hardly talk about the last 6 years of my life because of him. Of course even when we were married he wasn't my whole life, but it's almost like trying to tell the story of Beauty and the Beast sans Beast (though, to be fair, he was more of a Gaston, except withouth the really good looking part) - it doesn't really work. Additional pain caused by the great relationship that I had with my inlaws, and the apparent need to let go of those relationships, at least on the family level.
Reason 3: It is possible (not likely, but possible) that TT might not want me.
Reason 4: Lady troubles. Period.


Mix-It-Up:
I did it. I made the mental switch from thinking of TT as my crush/boyfriend-type-guy/possible "One" to thinking of him as my bestie pal/BFF/super-friend. I am proud of myself. Making that switch is so liberating! I am now free to look around for other prospects to date instead of/in addition to him. It's as though the weight of definite involvement has lifted, and now I can fully enjoy the possibility. I am open to taking things further, but if nothing evolves, I am totally fine with simply enjoying our awesome friendship. Perhaps we're even better as friends than as lovers/more-than-friends. I'm clearly not going to figure it all out today, but sincerely, making that mental switch has liberated me something fierce. I love the way I'm feeling!