Curtains

Since our split I have only dreamed about MT three times, which is remarkable as I am quite the dreamer.

The first was a scene of us listening to music at the church building where we used to attend together. It was nice, but I didn't discern any deeper meaning from it.

The second dream was another short scene - we sat outside his sister's house and I talked to him about the relationship in the third person, as though he weren't a part of it. When I had finished, he hugged me and told me that I was ready to date. This was a lovely dream, and I don't think you need a PhD in dream analysis to understand that one.

The third and most recent dream was also a nice one, at least on the surface, but a bit fuzzier at second glance. All I can remember of the dream is a scene of us kissing on my current doorstep after we had somehow gotten back together.

The dream had the effect of making me feel totally unsettled the entirety of the next day. It's a tale as old as time - wishing that the guilty party would realize the error of his ways and turn up on your doorstep wanting to make amends. I clearly on some subconscious level had unresolved feelings for MT. But did I really want him back? Even if he had misgivings about chucking me, would I be able to forgive him? The dream really brought up a lot of questions, and I wanted answers. So I turned to the divorcee's best friend - text messaging.

C: Just putting it out there - are you absolutely certain that you want to go through with the divorce? I would be willing to try again if you wanted to.

MT: I am absolutely certain.

When I read that I felt like I had been sucker-punched in the stomach. But who exactly is the sucker here? I had to remind myself that nothing had changed, except that now I had the answers to those looming questions. I had done all I could to salvage the marriage including giving him one last chance at a happy life with me. I gave him a window, but he gave me the curtain.