TFW you realize you've been married to a bin raccoon (in both looks and actions) for the last decade

Remember when I thought my life was complicated? During my second singlehood, then again as a new mother of twins? Ha! Hahahahahahahahaha! Those were simpler times, young innocent naive Complication. Once again my life has been turned upside down. N has been experiencing what I can only describe as an extreme and extended midlife crisis. He left the church, then accepted a low-key shady (ahem, federally illegal) job out of state without consulting me, leaving me behind with our four children. Oh, did I mention that we had ANOTHER SET OF TWINS? Well, we did. Yes, I've been doubly blessed. And yes, I am now basically clinically insane. Anyhow, N started exploring his new found freedom by experimenting with all kinds of substances, wildly overspending from our joint account on juvenile purchases like video games and amusement park tickets, and eventually topped it all off by having an affair with a 25 year old. When my ridiculous over-the-top loyalty refused to quit him, even after he thoroughly and completely Beastie Boy'd our marriage, N finally asked for a divorce. Once the wheels were in motion N moved at record speed to dissolve our decade-long relationship. I had never once seen him take on adult tasks with more interest. It was quite odd and most definitely out of character. So perhaps his claims that I don't really know him at all (HA!) hold some water? More likely, he is just motivated by his desire to be free of the very real adult responsibility of parenthood. When working out the details of our divorce, he readily agreed to give me sole physical custody of our children. I am both relieved and depressed by this. What will the children think when they eventually realize that their dad basically abandoned them? It is very disappointing, to say the least.

The great news is that I never quit working, so I have a rewarding and lucrative career that will easily support me and my complicated crew, even when N fails to pay the full child support amount we agreed on. Fun fact: did you know that 75% of fathers obligated to pay child support don't pay in full? Welcome to the majority, you cheating, lying, bin raccoon! I can already tell that co-parenting with you is going to be a true delight [sarcasm]. What can I say? My life just got a lot more complicated.

Catching Up

Since last we met back in 2008 a lot has come along to further complicate my life.

MT remarried a chick that was in fact a laurel in the ward we attended as a married couple. Their class knows no bounds.

TT moved out of state and remains single. We did go on several dates during my second singlehood, but nothing came of it. We never even kissed, convincing me that he is in fact asexual.

Girlfriend was remarried a while back and is enjoying married life in another state with her hot new husband.

As for me, I no longer hit the town as an eligible single divorcee (thankfully). In fact, I no longer hit the town at all without a double stroller, huge diaper bag and two wild maniacs in tow.

One short year after marrying my partner and best friend N in 2009 I found myself knocked up. And wouldn't you know it, the pregnancy turned out to be a complicated one. I just realized that I should have blogged about my pregnancy and first year of motherhood here on IC. It would have made perfect sense. Oh well. I will blame the fact that pregnancy and mothering apparently dealt my brain a double death blow over the last few years. Now that my wonder twins are a year old I have reclaimed a small portion of my sanity, which I plan to devote to you, dear IC readers. You're welcome.

Being a wife and mom is hard work. Being a full-time working mom to crazy twins while N finishes grad school? That's complicated.

The Benefit of Friendship

TT has accepted a job in a neighboring state, and consequently moved to said state this past weekend. We hadn't seen each other for a few weeks already, and no kissing ever took place, so this was more of a friendship than a relationship, or a faux-lationship, as I like to call it. We spoke on the phone on Friday while I was driving somewhere, and he was successfully avoiding packing for a bit. I typically speak my mind, and that conversation was no different. I told him that since he was moving out of state, it was probably best for us to remain friends, but not try to create/sustain anything more. I said that if he ever moves back to my state, and the timing is better, we could try something more in the future, but for now, it's on hold indefinitely. He agreed that this was likely for the best, but was quick to suggest a FWB (friends with benefits) arrangement. I beg your pardon? Just what sort of benefits does he have in mind? When we're dating, physical contact is limited to a goodnight hug, but suddenly when we're "just friends" the making out can commence? That just... odd. Is it possible that me essentially saying "Thanks, but no thanks" has increased his interest in me? Could be. I'm thinking that now the weight of possible involvement has been lifted, and he suddenly feels at liberty to do what he has wanted to do all along. Clearly, he has been nursing some hangups that are all in his head. I personally don't see the difference between two good friends that occasionally kiss and two people that are in a dating relationship. In fact, the former pair is likely more emotionally intimate than the latter, but are just doing some compartmentalizing of their faux-lationship. It's all semantics.

Considering all of the facts in conjunction with his stone-cold fox status, I readily agreed to TT's outlandish out-of-character suggestion. If we ever actually consummate our FWB status, you can just go ahead and color me shocked. I'm getting the impression that he is nothing but a big tease, as I have yet to see one single "benefit" from this friend.

The Four Day Rule or The Like-Like Cycle

Days with no contact or un-returned contact via text message, phone call, voice-mail and/or email from a man that I like like.

Day one: Let down. I feel bummed that my current squeeze didn't acknowledge me during any given 24 hour period. I feel especially let down if I contacted the dude with no response.

Day two: Annoyed. By this time, I have likely contacted the man du jour, and he has yet to return my contact. My typical sentiment during hours 25-48 is either "What's the deal, dude?" or "I guess he's probably busy. Hmph."

Day three: Unacceptable. If you are a man that wants to have any sort of relationship with me, going 48-72 hours without contacting me does not bode well. I begin to wonder if he is playing some sort of weird mind game, and start thinking "Thanks for nothing, sucker."

Day four: Over it. Yep, over it. Meaning, on day four (72+ hours without contact), I stop trying. I begin to accept the fact that maybe this man is just not that into me. Day four is a good place to be. Day four is freedom from the mental agonizing. Day four is the enviable "que sera sera" day. Day four is where the confident "his loss" mentality is born. Day four is a day of liberation from the emotional prison where I have been shackled by handcuffs of boy-craziness for the last three days.

And just when I start to feel really good and mentally sound, he'll contact me. Of course he will. And the cycle starts all over again.

Hmph.

And I thought it was complicated before I was officially single. Boy, those were simpler times.

A quick update - I have seen TT exactly three times since I've been "legal." Two of the three times I invited him to do something, and the other was a group dinner at L's house. The last time was a dinner at my house almost two full weeks ago, after which I wanted to point him in the direction of this video. I mean, you are a man, right? What's with the full-stop embargo on any physical contact? I'm practically begging for you to make a move.

I've also been thinking a lot about how I go a little bit crazy when he doesn't pay me the attention that I wish he would. For example, TT has been out of town for work all week. He told me that he would be done on Thursday. That was yesterday, dude. How is it that I have yet to receive a text message, email, or phone call, LET ALONE an invitation to get together this weekend? I know I have no sort of claim on this man, but I still feel slighted. Perhaps I should forgo the kissing video and send him this instead:

It's Official

If I were counting (not that I was), today the countdown would be over. That's right kids, from this time forward Ms. Complication hits the town as an eligible single woman! I have a good prospect in TT, but am keeping my eyes and heart open to others for the time being. I'm not really interested in a RURR (Really Unhealthy Rebound Relationship). I don't feel the need to waste time playing the field. I know what I want, and now I am free to go out there and get it!

And speaking of RURRs, I have heard rumblings that the next Mrs. MT is already on deck. Yes, you read that right. From what I hear MT has an "understanding" with a 20 year old girl. What's worse is that this understanding took place weeks before everything was final. Just another example of how MT is like school in the summer - no class.

Mixed Bag

As my D-day approaches in four short days (not that I'm counting), I have mixed feelings. I can't believe that in less than a week my relationship status will no longer be "complicated."

Mixed Numbers:
70% awesome
15% wanting to kiss TT on the mouth
9% PMS
5% wanting to scream "HOW DARE YOU?!?!" in MT's face
1% scared
100% surreal


Mixed Doubles:
Earlier this week was the anniversary of my marriage to MT. I "celebrated" by eating a delicious meal prepared by TT at L's house. A man cooking? That's just hot. The food was great, the company was better. I'm still pretty impressed.


Mixed Nuts:
I was answering the phone at work when an especially confident man tried to make the switch from phone-caller to gentleman caller. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner at a local romantic location with him. I responded with a quick "Sure, let's go!" when I saw that he was calling from another state, and clearly had no intention of actually making plans with me, the woman he had spoken to on the phone for 30 seconds and has never met in person. Going along with the joke he asked if my husband or boyfriend would mind him taking me out. I said "Nah, he won't mind." The man then asked "Which is it, husband or boyfriend?" I had to take a beat before answering "Ummm... both?"


Mixed Messages:
I have been irrationally slightly annoyed by the lack of what I can only call "quality communication" with TT over the past week. Only a few text messages and emails have been exchanged. This is of course irrational as we are not even dating. I have realized that the sad truth of the matter is that I must have constant contact from a suitor, or else I quickly lose interest. One day without contact is a let-down. Two days is annoying. Three days is unacceptable. Four days is... wait, who is this again? Of course I like TT, but I can only really tell when we're together or talking. Perhaps I have just taken the message of He's Just Not That Into You to heart, but a few days with no contact sets me to thinking I had better not waist the pretty on this one, even though TT practically has "soul-mate" tattooed on his forehead. When I sent a goofy text message to him and received no reply I felt ignored. Irrationally so. I am like a child saying "PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEE!!" Yep, crazy. But acceptance is the first step to recovery, right?


Mixed Emotions:
I cried last night.
Reason 1: What if I don't like TT as much as I think I do? Can I really trust my own judgment after the whole MT nightmare?
Reason 2: MT ruined so much for me. I can't hardly talk about the last 6 years of my life because of him. Of course even when we were married he wasn't my whole life, but it's almost like trying to tell the story of Beauty and the Beast sans Beast (though, to be fair, he was more of a Gaston, except withouth the really good looking part) - it doesn't really work. Additional pain caused by the great relationship that I had with my inlaws, and the apparent need to let go of those relationships, at least on the family level.
Reason 3: It is possible (not likely, but possible) that TT might not want me.
Reason 4: Lady troubles. Period.


Mix-It-Up:
I did it. I made the mental switch from thinking of TT as my crush/boyfriend-type-guy/possible "One" to thinking of him as my bestie pal/BFF/super-friend. I am proud of myself. Making that switch is so liberating! I am now free to look around for other prospects to date instead of/in addition to him. It's as though the weight of definite involvement has lifted, and now I can fully enjoy the possibility. I am open to taking things further, but if nothing evolves, I am totally fine with simply enjoying our awesome friendship. Perhaps we're even better as friends than as lovers/more-than-friends. I'm clearly not going to figure it all out today, but sincerely, making that mental switch has liberated me something fierce. I love the way I'm feeling!