Please proceed directly to the Friend Zone

A few weeks back I was talking to L at a church activity. She told me that she was going to be seeing TT the next day, and she had plans to find out what he thought about me. It's always good to know these types of things, so I was excited to hear one way or the other. When more than a week passed by with no update from L, I knew the news was not good. Think about it, if he had expressed interest in me, she would have wanted to tell me this news straight away. If he had no interest, she would have opted to say nothing rather than risk hurting my feelings. In my mind the best case scenario was that they had not had an opportunity to talk at all. Then I got the fateful email.

Apparently TT thinks I have a "fun personality." Well that's just great. In dating language "fun personality" is code for "not that attractive." Kind of like how online profiles that state the man is seeking a woman that "takes care of her body" is code for "No Fat Chicks." This whole situation reminded me of this scene from When Harry Met Sally...

Jess: When someone's not that attractive, they're always described as having a good personality.
Harry: Look, if you had asked me what does she look like and I said, she has a good personality, that means she's not attractive. But just because I happen to mention that she has a good personality, she could be either. She could be attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality.
Jess: So which one is she?
Harry: Attractive.
Jess: But not beautiful, right?

Let's just hope that I'm attractive with a good personality.

In other news, UL is no longer undercover. I met him while I was visiting his state for a wedding this past weekend. He met me and a girlfriend for dinner one night. I figured that unequal numbers plus each person paying for their own meal kept this from being a date. The evening was nice, and I had a good time. Well, it turns out he's not so much lover, either. While UL is a genuinely nice man, it was not a love connection on my side. Let's just say he has a good personality.

Missed Connections

As I sit here literally suffering from a missed plane connection, I thought it would be appropriate to delve into the topic of missed connections in general. I often read through my area's list of missed connections on Craigslist. These ads are usually something along the lines of "I saw you in the grocery store. I was wearing a red mini skirt, you were the bearded fellow in front of me in line buying the organic tequila...," or "At Starbucks you ordered the vanilla machiato (no whip) and I heard them call "Cindy" when it was ready. Cindy, if you're out there, I'm the shy indie guy that was behind you in line, and too intimidated by your beauty to approach you..."

These kinds of ads are so full of hope and longing that it makes my heart ache. I wonder if I am making the same kinds of impressions on strangers around me day in and day out (sans tequila and coffee). I don't ever expect to recognize myself in one of these ads. Even if I do, being LDS, it takes more than that instant of connection to drive a relationship. But what other missed connections do each of us have out there? Is there anyone that you consider "the one who got away?" I am typically too bold to have many missed connections in the traditional sense, but I do have acquaintances that have faded away over time. When I got married, I didn't pay enough attention to a lot of my friendships, and I purposely avoided even existing friendships with men, because, no matter what MT thinks, gender matters when you are married! Now that I'm not married, I find myself single in more ways than just romantically. One person described this predicament as the horrible gift of loneliness that keeps on giving - first you lose the marriage, then you realize that you alienated all your friends, and perhaps even family over the years. Only then do you understand how much connecting you have truly missed.

The next Mr. Complication

I routinely find the next Mr. Complication through a little bit of Facebook stalking. About once every two weeks I'll browse around clicking through to friends of friends, or exploring the "People You May Know" feature. Today I found the next Mr. Complication through these very means. I developed a crush on him based solely on the favorites he has listed for movies and books. If this is wrong, I don't want to be right. Anyway, because I am not only complicated, but also bold, I sent him a message. We'll see if he hits me back. I'll keep you posted.

Hold up - I think that's ME you're talking about!

The other day I was perusing random blogs, as I often do, when I ran across the following

I hate anonymous blogs. I think they're so annoying. (Okay, seriously, so blessed is anonymous, but that's because it's FAKE!) I just hate when people give people they know nicknames or shorten their names. I don't know why it annoys me so much, but it does. Like, TT did this yesterday. And I LOVE J whenever he does this. And P is just hilarious!I mean, I've give people nicknames, such as Santa, PME, JT (okay that's me, but whatever), Mr. Hyde (hahahaha love that one), uhhh New Testament "boyfriend," etc, but people who do that on blogs annoy me. Why would you write a blog if it's anonymous? If you want to talk about your life that much, and you don't want people to read it and realize it's you, write a journal or something.And people who have a countdown until their divorce is finalized are tacky. That's right. Tacky. I mean, yes, your marriage obviously was bad enough that you're ending it, but still. I'm sure Ann Post or whoever does the manners stuff would say that it's bad manners. When it ends, you can celebrate however you want privately, but having a party to be like, "yay I'm single!" just seems extremely tacky to me. If you can give me a good reason as to why you should have a countdown or have a party celebrating your newly single state, go ahead. I'd like to hear your reasoning. I wouldn't even argue back. I'd just want to know.

I was just thinking how funny it was that I myself do a little writing on an anonymous blog. And use initials. And happen to know the number of days until my divorce is final (74, not that I'm counting). Wait a second...this seems a bit too coincidental. My reply follows

Oh, ouch, J. You bring up some valid points; having a countdown to your divorce being finalized IS tacky. I concur. And I understand that it must be frustrating to see these women (me) seemingly celebrating the demise of their marriages. Believe me, I am in reality sick over the end of my marriage. This was not my choice however, and I can only choose how I react to the situation. I choose to keep my chin up, and try to find a silver lining in this down-right crappy situation. For me, that silver lining is the opportunity for a second chance at happiness - so why wouldn't I be counting down to this?I blog as an outlet, and I enjoy the fact that people can read my entries. I'm actually pretty proud of some of the writing I've done on "It's Complicated," and I sometimes lament that I can't take credit for it. As far as the anonymous thing goes, I am doing that as a courtesy to my former spouse. I have personally blogged for about eight years, but I feel that some things are not appropriate or kind to share with those that care about both of us. I may be tacky, but I'm not mean.

Girlfriend had this to say

Thanks for reading our blog... yes. I guess it's annoying all the initials and such. (I even have a hard time remembering who's who) The reason I want to stay anonymous is to protect the innocent... namely my kids who don't know most of what has happened with their dad.

The blog for me, is basically, therapy. A place where I can say what's on my mind without hurting others. I'm also hoping that there are others out there who understand what we are going through... hence the reason for the public blog.

And as far as the countdown... hm. I'm not sure it's tacky necessarily... maybe just lame?? I don't know! haha! But until you've walked in my shoes... which very few people have (thank goodness)... I totally understand that you might thing it's tacky! I would too probably because in all realness... it's depressing and a total nightmare which in a perfect world shouldn't be celebrated.

Anyway... seriously... neither of us would want to be in this situation. We're just trying to have a sense of humor about it all. No harm was intended.

So there you have it. IC has made the first of what is sure to be many dents on the web. At least, this is the first that we've found. Are there any other posts out there that we should be aware of? We're obviously no Seriously, so blessed!, but we do feel seriously blessed to have this forum for airing our grievances and joys, and we're glad to have you along for the ride.

Curtains

Since our split I have only dreamed about MT three times, which is remarkable as I am quite the dreamer.

The first was a scene of us listening to music at the church building where we used to attend together. It was nice, but I didn't discern any deeper meaning from it.

The second dream was another short scene - we sat outside his sister's house and I talked to him about the relationship in the third person, as though he weren't a part of it. When I had finished, he hugged me and told me that I was ready to date. This was a lovely dream, and I don't think you need a PhD in dream analysis to understand that one.

The third and most recent dream was also a nice one, at least on the surface, but a bit fuzzier at second glance. All I can remember of the dream is a scene of us kissing on my current doorstep after we had somehow gotten back together.

The dream had the effect of making me feel totally unsettled the entirety of the next day. It's a tale as old as time - wishing that the guilty party would realize the error of his ways and turn up on your doorstep wanting to make amends. I clearly on some subconscious level had unresolved feelings for MT. But did I really want him back? Even if he had misgivings about chucking me, would I be able to forgive him? The dream really brought up a lot of questions, and I wanted answers. So I turned to the divorcee's best friend - text messaging.

C: Just putting it out there - are you absolutely certain that you want to go through with the divorce? I would be willing to try again if you wanted to.

MT: I am absolutely certain.

When I read that I felt like I had been sucker-punched in the stomach. But who exactly is the sucker here? I had to remind myself that nothing had changed, except that now I had the answers to those looming questions. I had done all I could to salvage the marriage including giving him one last chance at a happy life with me. I gave him a window, but he gave me the curtain.

Independence Day

Yesterday, July 4th, I declared my independence from any form of scruple that would have prevented my imposing on the family function of strangers. I spent the bulk of my day as the foreigner at L's extended family barbecue/pool party.

At my ward's morning flag raising/pancake breakfast L learned that I had no plans for the rest of the day. She invited me to tag along with her family the rest of the day, assuring me that it would not be weird at all, and that her family is a "the more the merrier" type of crowd. I quickly ran through a cost/benefit analysis and decided to accept the invite. I figured that the benefit of not spending a national holiday on my own, and meeting new people and maybe having a really good time outweighed the cost of a possibly awkward afternoon.

Well, I did end up meeting new people and having a really good time. But that did nothing to alleviate the awkward situation that ensued. That's right loyal IC readers, TT was there. L neglected to mention him at all whilst extending the invite, so I figured it was the other side of her family, or maybe even her husband's family that we would be visiting. Imagine my surprise when I realized that not only would my second meeting with TT be an extended family audition, but also that it would take place in a bathing suit.

After catching sight of TT, and realizing my mistake, I decided to make the most of it. Once the initial shock wore off, I ended up having a nice time. TT and I chatted a bit, but nothing heavy. He didn't go out of his way to hang around me, but also didn't go out of his way to avoid me. I learned that my initial instincts were correct, that he is quite the dish. A nice, tall, interesting dish. But also a dish that did nothing to further our friendship. We didn't exchange phone numbers or emails. I stalkerishly tried looking him up on facebook to no avail. Hmph.

A few noteworthy items that occurred throughout the day:

• TT's father gave me dating advise
• TT's brother-in-law invited me to watch an Ultimate Fighting pay-per-view game with them the next night. When I declined, stating that it's not really my thing, he said that he didn't think that TT likes it either. TT was not in the room, so why was he mentioned at all?
• TT's mother asked me to sit by her at the fireworks and then hugged me at the end of the night and said "We'll see you next year."

Not to be a total girl and over-analyze the situation, but doesn't it seem like the extended family is trying to thrust us together? Perhaps this is because I am totally awesome (understandable). Perhaps it is because TT is about to enter the Desperation Zone (T minus 14 months until getting kicked out of the YSA ward, and no girlfriend in sight) and his family is just grasping at straws at this point. Or perhaps I am reading too much into these things, and they were just being nice. Either which way, now that I've met the family I would be surprised if anything happens with TT. I think it might present too much pressure/expectation for us to go out on a date. I wouldn't want him to have to give the whole "It's just a date - we're not getting married, sheesh!" speech. No guy wants that. Anyway, we'll have to see if he's bold enough to do anything about it when I celebrate my personal Independence Day in 85 days (not that I'm counting).

Perhaps I've said too much

In The Holiday, Graham (played by Jude Law) says

I have the classic male problem of no follow through. Absolutely never remember to call after a date—but as this wasn't a date, I guess I am off the hook.

I am steeling myself for plenty of that classic male problem when I'm officially on the market in 88 days (not that I'm counting). However, there is no way that the men in my life can be ready for the classic Complication problem - the overshare.

I was talking to UL the other night on the phone. You know, the usual stuff - how are you, how was your day, blah blah blah. Then somehow I started talking about the new bra that I had recently purchased and how it makes my rack look amazing. Yes, that's right. I started telling this man that I have yet to meet in the flesh that I have an amazing rack. I wasn't even trying to be flirtatious, I was just being my very own version of socially awkward. Now, I don't see my lack of filter in certain social situations as a character flaw, nor do I see being honest to a fault as a virtue. I simply chalk this up to one of the various things that make me the complicated lady that I am. If a guy can't handle me oversharing about my amazing rack, my penchant for watching Degrassi: The Next Generation on Saturday afternoons, or the fact that I can eat a whole medium cheese pizza all by myself, then he is clearly not the guy for me. I don't want to trick someone into liking me, but should I wait a while before springing my full vibrant exhuberance on a man? I'm thinking, I may be crazy - but they don't need to know that just yet.

Luckily for me, UL was not put off by my overshare. He thought it was cute, and teased me a little about it when he realized that I was slightly embarrassed. Which brings me to one of my theories when it comes to dating - too much too soon is creepy when you're not into someone ("He called again? What is wrong with this guy?"), but it's flattering when you actually like them ("Yay! He texted, called and emailed all within a 24 hour period - how sweet!"). I'm guessing that UL actually likes me.